BSA introduces high-tech alternative to strenuous 50-Miler requirements

Update: As many of you figured out, this is our annual April Fools’ Day post, a tradition on this site since 2013. Bonus points to the readers who made the connection between the names listed in this article and the theme of teleportation. André Delambre is the scientist from the 1958 movie The Fly who invented a teleportation device. Alfred Borden is the magician from the 2006 film The Prestige (and the 1995 novel upon which that film was based) who performed a magic trick involving teleportation. Edward Page Mitchell was a writer who wrote one of the earliest known stories about teleportation, “The Man without a Body,” in 1877. Linda Danvers is one version of DC Comics’ Supergirl who can — you guessed it! — teleport. And Dr. Emory Erickson is the character in Star Trek lore who invented the transporter, the device that can “beam” a person to the surface of a planet and back again.

The BSA’s 50-Miler Award is not supposed to be easy.

It is designed to recognize BSA members who cover a trail or canoe or boat route of not less than 50 consecutive miles over a minimum of five consecutive days without the aid of motors.

But seriously. 50 miles? Are you kidding me?

Doesn’t that seem like, you know, a lot of miles?

Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s noticed this, because, effective today, teleportation is officially approved as a 50-Miler mode of transportation.

(Please note that nowhere in the 50-Miler application does it say, “without the aid of technology only found in science fiction.”)

“We’re not necessarily encouraging kids to choose the teleportation option,” says BSA director of teleportation André Delambre. “We’re just saying they don’t have to not choose it to earn the 50-Miler Award.”

Read on for everything you need to know about this exciting new initiative.

In what situation would teleportation be the best option?

There are lots of ways to earn the BSA’s 50-Miler Award. Among them: hiking, boating, canoeing, bicycling, kayaking, or riding horses, mules, donkeys or llamas.

Some troops earn it by hiking on the Appalachian Trail or other spectacular scenic hikes.

But let’s face it: We all have days when we don’t feel like doing any of those things.

“Maybe you wake up in the morning, you’re supposed to begin your 50-mile canoe trek, and it’s a little bit chilly outside, and you just don’t feel like getting out of your tent,” says BSA assistant teleportation director Alfred Borden. “That’s the kind of situation in which you could choose the teleportation option.”

But what about the other rules that we’re obviously breaking here?

Remember: You still aren’t allowed to use any mode of transportation that uses a motor. That means any type of motorized teleportation device is out.

Instead, stick to devices that rely solely on fusion power or a power source such as an arc reactor or double A batteries.

And the trek should still be done over a period of at least five days to make sure you aren’t rushing through it or trying to complete it in a manner that isn’t safe.

Scouts and Scouters (and let’s be honest, it’s mostly gonna be Scouters — right, everybody?) who choose the teleportation option can simply teleport back and forth to and from the same location over and over again as many or as few times as they want over the five-day period.

You might think that once you teleport 50 miles or more, you’d be done! Requirement completed! Not so fast, my friend. The BSA is requiring you to somehow extend the teleportation process over five days.

“In order to keep the spirit of the 50-Miler Award intact, we are insisting that our members stretch out their teleporting over a five-day period,” says BSA assistant to the assistant teleportation director Edward Page Mitchell.

Technically there’s no upper limit on the number of days you can spend transporting 50 miles back and forth. As long as it’s 50 miles from point a to point b, you’re good to go.

Do we have to teleport back and forth? Why can’t we teleport to a different location every time?

What, are you crazy?!? That’s impossible!

Is teleportation safe though? Seeing as it how isn’t, you know, real?

Though teleportation is, technically speaking, a technology that only exists in science fiction stories, it remains a perfectly safe way to travel.

“We’ve thoroughly tested all of the most popular teleportation methods available today,” says BSA assistant to the assistant’s assistant teleportation director Linda Danvers. “It’s totally fine.”

Danvers did say members should only use teleportation devices approved by the Twycross Corporation, which has thoroughly tested all modern devices for splinching and other teleportation risks.

Keep in mind, using wormholes instead of teleportation is not allowed. For goodness sake, people. Don’t use wormholes!

“This is an exciting day for the BSA,” says Dr. Emory Erickson, the assistant’s assistant to the assistant assistant teleportation director. “Things are only impossible until they’re not.”