If your son told you tomorrow that he’s thinking of leaving Scouting, what would you say?
For “Dave,” a concerned parent from an East Coast troop, that’s no hypothetical question.
The parent, whose name I changed to conceal his identity, writes:
My son is 15 and has been in Scouting since he was a Tiger Cub Scout, and over the past year, has been increasingly vocal about wanting to quit. He’s not “passionate” about the majority of Scouting activities and is finding our large troop with many younger scouts (some with emotional issues) “a waste of time.”
I am an active committee member and have been strongly encouraging him to stick with it, but it’s getting to the point where I don’t know what to say or do to keep him in.
We’ve explained the benefits of attaining Eagle Scout and that if he drops out, we won’t continue spending money on his non-Scouting interests (sports camps, going to watch pro games, music concerts, etc). I don’t like this approach but feel strongly about him getting to Eagle.
I think we have a very good Scoutmaster and assistant Scoutmasters and a diverse variety of activities.
He’s a tremendous boy who does well in school, plays sports and music, and has many friends. Any advice to help me keep him in Scouting?
Based on Dave’s e-mail, it looks like there’s still time to keep his son in the program. But how?
What would you do?
How would you respond if your son said he’d like to quit? What should Dave tell his son to convince him to stay? Have you successfully “saved” a Scout who considered dropping out? Offer your advice by leaving a comment below.
Dave will be reading your comments — as will others in a similar predicament.
I, an Eagle Scout myself, believe that it is the son’s responsibility to choose whether or not he wishes to become an Eagle Scout. Scouting did not just give me a fancy title, it gave me friends that will last a lifetime. Sit and talk with your son Dave and listen to his side and try to figure out where scouting has impacted his life. When this is complete, maybe offer him another path that remains in scouting but does not have to deal with the younger scouts that he sees as immature. Try Venturing, Varsity, or Sea Scouting. If your son becomes that leader in his troop, Dave, maybe a nomination into the Order of the Arrow. These other paths offer many experiences that often times do not involve the younger scouts and are fun and offer the opportunity to meet people from around the Nation and maybe even offer your son the opportunity to experience other cultures.
Outstanding answer, an Eagle Scout myself and a true believer in the program and what is does for youth and ultimately builds our future leaders, never give up on a scout who may have lost there interest, instead suggest alternative programs such as James said. Although there is usually the goal to make it to Eagle, That is not the most important aspect of the program. The values, leadership skills, and responsibility are. In this case, he may just need to be challenged, as I did. A single challenge to become involved in other aspects and take on responsibility within the troop propelled me to the end. I am still actively involved in the troop and am often found doing volunteer work at our councils resident summer camp. Just because, I believe in the program, It works.
Try to find some young men in their 20′s that can relate what it has meant to them to have achieved the rank of eagle. Parents are often the least effective source of inspiration on this subject when a kid has “made up their mind”. A good example is someone that has gone in the service and got the automatic grade increase because of it.
Wow! For the longest time I thought I was the only one with that problem! When My eldest son was about 15, he started withdrawing from scouting. He made Star, and was almost complete with Life requirements and he wanted to drop out. I was involved with the troop and local counsel. Most of his buddies had made Eagle. As much as I pushed and threatened him… He was just not into it. I do realize the honor it is to be an Eagle scout, to be counted with other great leaders, and I will say that it is a worthy goal to achieve! But lets face some facts. Not attaining Eagle will not make your son less of a man. I love my son regardless of what he has done and I respect him for the works and feats he has accomplished in life, on his own, with a proven work ethic. None of the scouts with Eagle badges from that troop can boast a better station in life than can my son.
So, is it solely for the sake of finishing what was started that a father wants his son to get that Eagle badge? Remember that pride goeth before the fall! Is it perhaps dad wants that badge more than Jr.? What’s really important here? In my case, I think I discovered that my son doesn’t have to be a ME 2.0. All I ask is that he does his best.
I don’t worry about boys making eagle, I worry about them becoming leaders.
If the boy has achieved that, let him move to whatever interests him. But the interests better exist before he leaves.
If there aren’t any, go the other route. My sons troop has a cc who complains all the time that he works “for himself” by staffing NYLT, day camp, resident camp for cub scouting, going to jamboree, etc. We aren’t rich, but we sacrifice for him to go to the things he needs to achieve. He also is active in band and jazz band and in honors classes now that he’s in school. The further he gets into school, the more meetings and outings he misses. They plan big trips every other year but we don’t go because he has the other events and they also expensive. Did I mention we aren’t rich?
He’s proving that doing everything only for the unit isn’t what matters as much as living the 12 in all aspects of your life. If he achieves Eagle, all the better, but while I am encouraging it it doesn’t determine everything in scouting for him, nor should it. I remember a youth when I was a boy had been tenderfoot for several years, and was just about to got osecond class. But he was happy and having fun. And we, as a patrol, encouraged, but didn’t push him.
Should it be any different for any other boy?
A few years back I attended the 50th anniversary celebration of the troop in which I had been active while a Scout. While meeting and sharing stories with old friends, I encountered a young man (OK, we had both been young at one point) who had just missed earning his Eagle Scout rank. He started the conversation by apologizing. He apologized because I had once been his Patrol Leader and SPL, and he felt that he had let me down by not completing his Eagle Scout rank advancement. I stated that the process was a journey, and he had been an active and integral part of the journey for many Scouts and Scouters. My friend stated that he felt ashamed now when he told people where he first learned about his values. He said that people would assume that he was an Eagle Scout by the way that he spoke about the influence of Scouting on his life. My friend would always correct the listener, stating that he had not quite earned the Eagle Scout award.
He still carries the guilt of missing the advancement 25 years after we aged out of being Scouts.
You truly get to be the master of your own destiny in life. You decide what to do, who to do it with, and what you learn from each experience. I think my friend learned the lessons that Scouting had to teach him, but he did not earn the rank that is instantly recognizable by the general public as a mark of distinction. He performed well, and was a great mentor for younger Scouts, but cannot claim that he is an Eagle Scout. Ask your son “What do You want to do instead of Scouts?” If they have learned what they can from Scouting, and they have a constructive idea for how they will spend their time (instead of Scouting) then support them, but advise them that Scouting is always available to them.
Whatever your son’s reason, listen to him. Work with him. Help him understand that you want what is best for him.
Scouting is fun, with a purpose. Scouting is not the only place where a youth can learn leadership, self-reliance, solid values, and a vast array of life skills. However, adults who were active Scouts (Eagle Scouts or no) have proven that they are more likely to take on leadership, be active in their community, and be active with youth programs such as Scouting. However you slice it: time involved, monetary cost, or opportunities lost because of participation in Scouting; Scouting tends to provide the most to gain for the amount of resources required. Those who participate in the program who go on to earn its highest honor receive motivation and a pedigree that can last well into their adult years.
The choice belongs to your son: a life with a nagging regret of what could have been, or weathering the current storm in order to enrich his Scouting experience. The choice is his, as will be the rewards.
I can’t speak to what other parent do, but with our children, we discuss the nature of a commitment. When they “join” anything, sports, scouts, etc. our requirement is they honor their commitment. Our son started Scouts as a second year Webelos. We had the discussion that if he started, he had to finish the year out as a Webelos. Then when he crossed over, the discussion happened again, what were his goals, what was his plan… if it was to hang out and have fun… then we would have invested our time accordingly, but our son’s goal was to become an Eagle Scout. We covered the amount of responsibility and commitment he would have to have and he agreed. We make no excuses in our house about them “only being children, and they can’t be expected to commit at that age.” We say why not, when are you old enough to commit to a goal and see it through? So in our case, when our son starts grumbling about going to a meeting, or not wanting to participate (which doesn’t happen often) our response is, “finish up your Eagle requirements…. then you can move on…. ” But, if you don’t have those conversations, and have a conscious decision to commit, your options are few, because if they truly don’t want to be there, and don’t have a purpose and a goal… they will move on, whether they are still physically there or not…
I think this is a fine idea, but how do you teach them to re-evaluate goals then? Things in life that are outside of our control can change the way we look at, and value our goals.
You are not wrong to insist that your son stay in scouting. Just as you are not wrong to insist that he stay in school or get a job or go to college. This is your job as a parent: to guide your child in the path that he should go until he is old enough to choose his own path. I knew a boy whose enthusiasm for scouting waned at this age. His father insisted that he earn the eagle award before he could have his drivers license. The young man failed to earn the award by his 16th birthday even though all his friends had. He was the only 16-year-old left in the troop, but he was the only 16-year-old without a license, so he buckled down, made some hard choices and got it done. I plan on using the same incentive for my sone. He is stubborn enough to test me, but if he doesn’t drive ’til he’s 18, that will be okay with me. Driving is dangerous.
He prob. wants to drop b/c of the lift of the ban of Gays, If I was still in scouting i would walk out too. I dont know why in the world that the Delegates would vote this way.